Are You Responsible for Your Child’s Misbehavior?

After that title, are you brave enough to keep reading?  While it is easier to believe that our children’s bad behavior is because of their shortcomings, stubborn wills, or “just the way they’re wired”, often our children’s bad behavior is because of something we are or are not doing.

Yeah, that’s not going to make your day shine with rainbows and unicorns.

However, I hope that in reading this post, you may find something that will make you think a little differently and move you in the right direction for you and your child(ren).  After all, we want happy, disciplined children, right? 

It Isn’t Always Their Fault

Similar to marriage – often when there’s conflict between us and our spouse, it is isn’t always his fault.  Sometimes our responses, our expectations, or our own behavior can be the cause of conflict.

The COVID-19 shutdown on all aspects of life has forced families to be together more than ever.  And many families are finding it difficult.  In fact, in a Facebook group discussion, one mom asked why her 3 yr old was such an a**hole.  Can you imagine? 

In the days of my parents, when families were not nearly as busy as they are now going from activity to activity or constantly assaulted with tech distractions, parents and children were always together.  Parents corrected inappropriate or negative behavior consistently because they were face to face with it.  They knew it needed to be corrected, and they also knew it was their responsibility to form their children.

They were the boss – the authority on all things.

We’ve lost the sense of our God-given role of forming a child – not merely housing, feeding, and babysitting our children until they go to school or move out.  We are entrusted with forming their will, their conscience, their values and morals, and their virtues.

In speaking with moms about issues with their children here’s what many say:

• I have to clean up after them all day because they won’t pick up after themselves.
• They argue with me all. the. time.
• They won’t get off their devices.
• They are always interrupting me.
• They won’t sit at the kitchen table to eat their meals – there are crumbs and juice spills all over the house.

**Homeschooling or Virtual Learning related

• They won’t do their work.
• They throw pencils at each other and won’t stop talking during their work.
• I have no time to myself.

The list could go on and on.  Quite possibly you have a completely different list yourself. 

My question to you (as it was to me many years ago) why are you allowing bad and disrespectful behavior?

Children do not naturally have all the virtues they need to live as productive, happy adults.  As their parent, it is our job to teach them self-control, fortitude, perseverance, orderliness, patience, responsibility, and obedience just to name a few of the virtues required to be a happy adult.  (Not to mention how to do their laundry!)

Parenting is a God-given role, a vocation (calling), to form the children He has given to us in virtue and good habits, and to teach them to love Him and serve God by leading a Christian life.

It is a serious offense to God and to our children to neglect our duties by allowing the children to usurp our authority.

Eliminate Your Child’s Misbehavior

Take Back Your Authority

We teach our children to love, obey, and trust God by teaching our children to love, obey, and trust us even when they don’t “feel like it” or “want to”. 

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had many experiences as an adult where I needed to obey and trust God even when I didn’t want to.  And in the end, His will was (as it always is) the best for me.

We have a generation of millennials who are untethered.  They have little respect for authority – only respect for their own feelings.  They have little faith in the loving Father God, because they weren’t taught His authority through the authority of parents.

To all of you young moms who are raising your small children now, take note.  If your child’s misbehavior is disobedient, disrespectful, uncooperative, and unhappy at 5 or 8 or 10, it only gets worse as they get older and their will gets stronger.

Don’t let the emotions and imprudent demands of your children run your house. 

Take action!

Be their parent and form them into the loving humans God has called them to be.

Will it be easy?  No, but I PROMISE you it gets easier the sooner you become clear and consistent in your expectations.

Here are some ways you can look at your own behavior to see if it is bringing out the worst in your child.

Watch Your Tone

For all you Type A’s out there, be careful that you aren’t always in drill sergeant mode.  Save the “tone” for really serious interactions (disrespect, dangerous).  Otherwise, your children will quickly tune you out which will make you angry and then you become that angry parent all the time.

Be Generous in Your Praise and Encouragement

You’ve probably heard the phrase, “Catch them being good”.  It is important to their self-esteem and to their behavior to praise the good as often as you can without going overboard. 

Children will seek your attention and they will get it either in a positive or a negative way.  Our job is to encourage the positive way and discourage the negative.  They will catch on and seeking your attention in a positive way will become the habit, rather than the negative way.

Be Clear in Your Expectations and Consistent in Enforcing Them

KNOW what your expectations are.  If you need to write them down to bring them into focus, do that. Some of our behavioral expectations for our children were:

• Treat me and their siblings with respect – no arguing or backtalk to me
• Clean up after themselves
• Eating ONLY at the kitchen table (so the rest of our house wasn’t destroyed)
• Schoolwork completed independently, timely, and before doing anything fun
• Daily and weekly chores executed well with no nagging

Now, I had a friend who lamented to me that her children were strong-willed, and she didn’t have the luxury of compliant children like mine.  UM…MY KIDS WERE STRONG WILLED so don’t use that as an excuse.  My will was just stronger, and we enforced consequences consistently.  Ask God for the grace to give you that strong will.  Your children need and depend on it.

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

If your children do not follow your rules, giving them ‘another chance’ only encourages them to not obey the next time.  And that sets a pattern in motion.

If you tell them they must clean up their breakfast dishes after breakfast and they don’t, they can either be responsible for cleaning up everyone’s dishes for lunch or dinner or they miss the next meal.  Trust me, they won’t die, and it won’t happen again.

Clearly articulated consequences are the guardrails in our children’s lives just as they are in our own lives.  If an adult is repeatedly late for work or goofs off during work hours, they’ll lose their job.

We only encourage disobedient, disrespectful behavior in our children when we fail to enforce natural consequences.  That’s also the way to raise entitled, spoiled adults who lack discipline and fortitude.

Make 1-2 Resolutions for Growth

So, take a moment today and consider how you parent.  There’s no shame in recognizing that there may be one or more areas you could work on.  In fact, it is a sign of humility and a gift to your children.  Then make one or two resolutions to address those areas.  Don’t say, “I’m going to be perfect from now on”.  You won’t be.  On the other hand, it would be a disservice to God and your children to say, “I can’t”.

If I have learned anything in 34 years of parenting, I’ve learned that motherhood is as much about me becoming a better wife, woman, and mother as it is in raising my children and loving my husband.

But that’s the journey that will get me to heaven….so even when it’s hard it’s a good thing!

Have a great week!

Janet

P.S. Please help other moms by sharing on Facebook and Pinterest!