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In the past month, I’ve had the opportunity to watch some of our grandchildren – 2 different families for a few nights while their parents were taking some time to relax and rejuvenate.
Family #3 with 4 more grandchildren will have their chance in October.
And I had the chance to be “mom” again. To remember how h this calling is.
I’m in a few FB groups for moms, and one thing I notice with lots of women who post is that they feel like their motherhood journey is really difficult.
Many clients that I coach also comment that being a mom is hard – some assume that it isn’t for others – that other women just know the secrets to a happy motherhood.
But What if Motherhood is Just Hard?
And what do you think about doing hard things?
Why do people run marathons or climb mountains or learn new technical skills or lose 100 lbs or endure cancer treatments? I had a friend who fought cancer for 20 years.
What motivates people to not only endure but to live with peace and joy?
We can do hard things
We should do hard things – hard things are what really matter in life.
When something is easy, we don’t appreciate it nearly as much as when we invest in something that challenges us.
I think it comes down to acceptance, understanding, and letting go of the expectations we had about being a mom.
Unmet Expectations
Before we had children, we couldn’t possibly know what was going to be required of us.
I remember when I was pregnant with my first child there was some commercial with a mother in a flowing chiffon pink robe rocking in a chair by the window and nursing her baby with a look of utter calm and contentment. Her hair was beautifully brushed, and her makeup was simple but highlighted her adoring eyes and soft smile.
I don’t know about you, but when I nursed my babies, my toes curled in pain every time they latched on and there was no make-up or beautiful lingerie.
As I had more children, there were always siblings sitting next to me trying to steal my attention away from this new home intruder called a brother or sister.
It wasn’t what I expected.
And it wasn’t easy.
I knew my why and I latched onto it whenever I needed it.
When I was exhausted because children didn’t sleep through the night or when I was impatient because my son left his shoes out again rather than putting them away.
I remembered my why when I was lonely at home alone with children – cleaning up crumbs, doing laundry, teaching children in all aspects of life while my husband was off entertaining clients – which seemed so much more glamorous – it wasn’t.
When I was teaching the children how to get along with each other and work things out between them over and over again, I had to remind myself about my why.
And when we had marriage issues…I knew leaving or quitting wasn’t the answer.
What I Wanted
I knew I wanted to grow these children into kind, faith-filled adults.
I wanted a family that played together, prayed together, and stayed together and I was willing to do whatever it took to make that happen.
Was it easy? No
The days were long, but the years flew by and here we are with our youngest of 7 turning 21 in a few weeks.
Was it worth it? Yes
Motherhood Requires Sacrifice
Which means giving up our will to not only do what we might want to do, but also to do what we don’t want to do – who wants to do laundry every day or constantly correct children who speak to us with disrespect?
It doesn’t matter how old your children are – there will always be sacrifice involved as their mother.
You lose sleep over a child without a job or a daughter who has a miscarriage.
You worry that all the time you put into raising your children who are now adults choose not to practice their faith or treat their siblings with compassion or maybe trade the values and morals you taught them for new ones that won’t bring them happiness.
Motherhood Requires Growing in Virtues that we may not Naturally Possess
- Patience – in dealing with our children, our husband, and a world that doesn’t support and encourage family life
- Orderliness – committing to routines and schedules that serve us and create peaceful, stress-free homes
- Fortitude – in the teaching of discipline and respectful behavior to our children, in getting up everyday to usually the same challenges of the day before
- Generosity – in mind, spirit, and action all day every day
Motherhood Requires us to be Proactive and Thoughtful in How we Take Care of Ourselves
This requires us to develop routines, habits, and schedules that serve us rather than a day that enslaves us.
My daughter has 4 children 6 yrs down to 7 months. She needs to run – for her mental and physical strength, she needs that time alone and the challenge she sets for herself to get up and do it – she gets up at 5 AM to run before her husband leaves for work. Not easy to do but she knows she is mentally and physically happier when she sticks to that routine and it has profoundly affected her self-esteem. And by the way – don’t kid yourself into thinking that “Well, she must just love to run”. Very few people I know love to get up at 5 AM and run 3-4 miles. It’s hard! But she’s committed to that time of self-care.
We can’t do a good job taking care of our children or our husband if all we’re doing is meeting their needs and not our own.
We must have sleep!
I know co-sleeping or the family bed is popular among some people, but if you aren’t sleeping because of it, then it’s not a good idea for you.
And if You Also Work Outside the Home
Then motherhood requires heroic planning and intentional actions.
Requires Us to Depend on God
It is in giving our lives and our will for our children that they learn to be generous and live a spirit of sacrifice.
Mothering is about the closest action we have to identify ourselves with Christ
Every day we live the corporal works of mercy.
- To feed the hungry.
- To give water to the thirsty – it may be in a sippy cup
- To clothe the naked – doing laundry and teaching them how to dress themselves
- To shelter the homeless
- To visit the sick.
- To visit the imprisoned or ransom the captive – we used to think of checking on them when they were in time-outs and taking a teaching moment as a way to fulfill this work
- To bury the dead – in our pain of miscarriage or actual death
We practice and teach the spiritual works of mercy day in and day out.
- To instruct the ignorant – we teach the faith to our children
- To counsel the doubtful – be there with the right answers when our children are confronted with the lies of the world
- To admonish the sinner – not in a judgy way but helping our children see what sin is
- To bear wrongs patiently
- To forgive offenses willing – – teaching our children how to interact with others
- To comfort the afflicted
- To pray for the living and the dead – by teaching our children empathy for others
“If anyone wants to come after Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me.” MT 16:24
That’s the essence of motherhood –
Denying ourselves and taking up our cross
Without whining or complaining
And we can only do all of that with God’s help.
But he won’t impose his help on us.
We need to ask Him.
What is Your Why?
Knowing your why and being committed to your long-term goals makes the everyday seem less difficult.
Expectations ruin everything – from experiences to relationships.
Know that you had expectations (we all do) then let go of them and live in the present moment. As soon as our thoughts turn to “This SHOULD happen a certain way”, we feel as if we’ve lost control of creating a life – as if the expectation was how it was supposed to be, and since that didn’t happen, we’re doomed to an unhappy life.
Remember, you have the power to choose your thoughts. Choose those that serve you and empower you rather than make you feel defeated or overwhelmed.
Spend a little time today and do a thought download of why you wanted to be a mother
Make a list of all your reasons.
Look at it often and choose thoughts that support your why and give you the feelings that will generate the mindset and actions that will bring you joy today.
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