We all have particular ways to communicate with each other. Sometimes we communicate with clear, precise words. Other times just a look will tell everyone what we’re thinking! In marriage, the way we communicate our love to our husband and the way we need love communicated to us is critical to identify and understand. And it can be a game-changer in a marriage.
If you haven’t heard about love languages yet, you and your husband can take the test HERE, then read the book, “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman for additional insights.
Discuss your results – really listening to each other.
Our Love Language May Not Be What We Expect
There are basically five different ways to express our love to someone: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time together, and physical touch. Michael and I took the test a couple of years ago (this has been around for over 20 years!), and I had a good news/bad news scenario.
Michael’s preferred method for expressing his love for me was to give gifts and perform acts of service. WIN/WIN for me! I love receiving gifts and his help around the house is invaluable.
The conflict came when his desired love language was identified as spending quality time together.
I Like My Space
Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my husband, and we have a great time together – he’s my best friend and there’s really no one I’d rather spend time with.
But I was raised as the only girl in my family. I grew up alone most of the time. You get used to being alone and it can be difficult to be around people all the time. College roommates were a real challenge. (Probably more for them than for me!) I liked my space.
Marriage…and Along Came Lots of People in My Space!
Then I had 7 children, and at some weak moment decided to homeschool. I would not have changed that decision for the world, but I was never ever alone again! Michael’s need for quality time with me was a bit of a challenge. What I didn’t realize was that by thinking of my own need for time alone, I was not serving his need for time with me. That created conflict between us without really understanding why because the concept of love language wasn’t something we considered.
I show my love in acts of service and words of affirmation. All the lovey-dovey words and professional work pep talks to Michael were great, but what he really needed was just alone time with me – my time, my eye contact, my undivided attention.
If we had known in our early years of marriage how we express love and how we need to feel love, so many misunderstandings and hurts would not have happened.
He Isn’t a Mind Reader
Communication is so important in every relationship, but particularly in a relationship that is as complicated as marriage. We bring to the marriage all our vulnerabilities (spoken and unspoken), and we hope our spouse will ‘get us’, will understand us, and will satisfy our deepest needs for love and belonging.
“If you truly loved me, you would know what I need.” Have you ever said this to your husband? He isn’t a mind reader and the barometer of his love shouldn’t depend on whether or not he can figure out what you need. Sometimes, even we don’t know what we need. Just tell him. Gently, lovingly and without nagging or shaming.
Find Out What He Needs
There are some fundamental needs that we all have that, if not met, become a source of unhappiness and vulnerability.
Men have been trained in our society to ignore their needs. We should have an ongoing conversation with our husband as we help him discover what he needs from us. Hopefully, our desire to meet his needs will cause him to tap into the emotions he’s been told to shut down.
It’s important to put the focus on how we can love our spouse better, not on how they need to love us better. Certainly, our needs our important but sometimes we think our needs are paramount. Women usually find it easier to express them than most men, causing the conversation to stay focused around us.
If he doesn’t ask you what you need, then offer to tell him. Don’t think he doesn’t care because he didn’t ask. Give him the benefit of the doubt. He loves you. Help him love you like you need to be loved.
Be Patient and Kind to Each Other
After you’ve discovered each other’s love language, be patient with your spouse as you begin to speak his language and he yours. Encourage each other – reminding each other what your particular love language looks like. And if you’ve been married awhile, let the past be the past. Don’t hold on to resentments of what you did or didn’t do for each other. Begin again, helping each other along the way of Love.
So, take the love language test HERE, together, and be open and ready for a new dimension to your marriage.
With Affection –
Janet
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