The Husband Manual

What You’ll Hear in This Episode

On our wedding day, many of us came to our marriage with expectations – our book of instructions for our husband about the kind of husband he is supposed to be -what he is supposed to think, do, and say: The Husband Manual.

The Husband Manual

We had a chapter on how he was supposed to help out with household chores-how he should just know when we need him to step in and take over doing the dishes, picking up the toys, doing the wash or mopping the floor.

There was information about what kind of father he was expected to be and how he should interact with our children

• Never lose his patience or his temper.

• Never disobey “mom” rules – you all know what I mean.

• And always be in the mood to play catch or spend his relaxing time proofreading an English essay.

Intimacy

He should know when and how much intimacy WE wanted and maybe have the gift of reading our minds about when we’re ready for intimacy.

Communication-

Our husband was expected to be respectful, considerate, and compassionate with our dreams and our worries even when we’re not respectful, considerate, or compassionate.

Personal Development and Stress

There were instructions about making the bed, picking up his clothes, doing his own wash, cleaning and putting away his own dishes. With regards to handling stress, there were clear rules about not resorting to alcohol, pornography, surfing on the phone, or video games. He should just handle stress and not let it effect him.

Work Expectations

Our husband should “just know” what he should tell his boss when we didn’t want him working so much and how to handle relationships with women at work who don’t honor boundaries.

There was a chapter about how to read our minds, navigate our hormones, know when to apologize, and acknowledge that our job as wife and mother was way more difficult than his job as husband, father, provider.

Money

He should have come into our marriage knowing how to make enough money without taking away from the family too much. He needed to know how to be fiscally responsible, and make sure that OUR story and beliefs about money are respected and fulfilled – even if they were different from his own.

The Wife Manual

But our husband manual didn’t take into account that he came to our marriage as we did –with faults, failings, lack of virtues, and his own set of expectations for us – his wife – how we would behave towards him and in our role of keeping the home and raising the children with him.

He also had a Wife Manual.

The problems in a marriage come when the information in the manuals are different.

The number one problem in any relationship are the expectations each spouse has for the other.

Changing the Narrative

I remember one Saturday not too long ago, when Michael and I were getting ready for company to come over that evening.

I had delegated some cleaning tasks to him while I was busy preparing the food and setting the table.

He was finished with the tasks and I commented (probably with a sarcastic tone) that there were so many other things to do.

He simply said, “All you have to do is ask.”

I thought, “How can you not see!” which immediately brought feelings of anger and resentment that I was doing so much, and he wasn’t.  I could have also gone down the road of “Well, why didn’t you ask what you could do?”  and then we’d both be angry resentful and ready for a fun time with our guests.

But I was able to put the brakes on my thoughts.

I chose a thought that served me well. “OK, I’ll ask”. It made me feel empowered and peaceful rather than angry.

And he did everything I asked of him.

Taking our circumstance and choosing a thought that is positive and brings us the results we want is easy.

It really is. It can be challenging when we’re talking about very serious issues like addictions and infidelity. During those times examining our thoughts is critical so we respond and act to create the results we want.

The day in day out thoughts that we have can easily become positive rather than defeated, angry, resentful.

It just takes practice because our brain is often used to telling us to be negative or angry. Why is it so much easier to be angry?

Our brain will do what comes easily to us.

So if we are in the habit of getting angry or resentful, our brain will offer us those thoughts first.

Why don’t we just communicate our needs clearly and simply without all the negative emotions?

Our relationship with our husband can take on a completely new identity when we choose thoughts about him and our life together that move us towards the life we want. Choosing negative thoughts moves us in the direction we don’t want. One of anger, resentments, bitterness, and unmet unresolved needs.

Whether we’re talking about our relationship with our husband or our children or our situation at work with coworkers or a boss, we have the power to choose our thoughts rather than be the victim of our circumstances.

Our Feelings Come From Our Thoughts

       It’s not the circumstances that create our feelings of anger, resentment, guilt, or anxiety,

       It’s what we think about our life and our interactions with our spouse or our children.

       It would have been easy for me to say to Michael, “Why do I have to tell you what needs to be done to prepare a home for company?”  “Can’t you figure that out for yourself?”

       That would have made both of us angry and we probably would have cancelled the dinner.

       Instead, I chose the thought, “Yes, I can just ask him.”

       That left me feeling empowered.

       So, I gave him a list and asked him to do those things while I worked on my own tasks. We got the house clean, the food prepped. Best of all we both appreciated each other’s hard work to prepare for our company.

No matter what the circumstances are, you have the power to choose what you think about them.

Don’t be a victim of your circumstances.

Don’t fall into the lie that your husband is different.

The one thing I’ve definitely learned in 37 years of marriage and coaching others in their marriage is that we all have problems.

The marriages that last and are happy are the ones where the spouses deliberately choose their thoughts. They learn how to think about what outcome they want, instead of allowing their emotions to rule their behavior.

We all have stresses and unmet needs and expectations that are never realized.

Your husband has those as well.

Pitch Your Husband Manual

Throw the manual away.  You can’t control him.

Eliminate the expectations and seek a more dynamic relationship with your husband. Take him where he is and focusing on how you show up.

Love is a Choice

It’s the choice to commit to the relationship with positivity, a spirit of forgiveness, and a growth mindset.

We choose our actions that serve and strengthen the marriage bond rather than stress, stretch, or break it.

And I know…that’s not easy…sometimes when addiction or infidelity is involved it feels impossible.

Knowing how to manage our thoughts about our relationship with our husband is the key to good communication with him. A positive mindset nurtures a long lasting marriage.