Have you stopped and asked yourself lately how tech is affecting your kids or how the tech and kids combo is changing your home life?
My husband and I just got back from a week on the gulf. It was beautiful and sad at the same time. Everywhere we went whether it was at the beach, the cornhole greens, in the car, the restaurants, or just sitting around the pool, an alarming number of adults and most of the kids were on their phones. Those kids were missing the beauty of the sunset, the delight of just watching the roaring waves crash in or sinking the bag into the cornhole and beating their dad. Children were not making eye contact with their parents, nor making memories that bond families together. They were not learning patience as they waited for a table in the restaurant, nor were they having conversations with their parents or siblings.
The children were in their own isolated world missing out on an opportunity that will pass and won’t come again.
The parents were equally disconnected with their children as they sat scrolling through their feed.
How Did We Parent?
And I thought about my days of parenting young children and teenagers. What would I have done if tech was around then (back in the dark ages of the ‘90’s and 2000’s!) If I were distracted with technology all the time, would I now have adult children whom I consider my closest friends or who call me and visit on a regular basis? Would I know them – truly know them for who they are and who they are striving to become if we had been inundated with technology as they were growing up. Would I have adult children who live the faith, practice lives of virtue, and seek to give their own children the same?
Now, I am not anti-tech. I love my iPhone, my Amazon Prime, my ear buds, and my computer. But, as parents, we must be vigilant about how much our children are on their devices and how technology is impacting them.
I coach moms to help them through the minefield of motherhood and one of the questions I hear the most is, “How do I get my kids off their phones?” Let me say, that if you are asking that question, technology is affecting your kids in a serious and destructive way.
The question implies at least two things: 1. You are not the parent in your family, and you’ve lost control of your child’s formation, 2. Your child is addicted to their phone, iPad, gaming system etc.. There are probably more issues involved, but those are the two top issues, and both are serious business.
Relationship Interrupter
Lack of eye contact and physical affection
With so many children (AND parents) looking down at phones, ipads, or away at gaming systems, we are losing the important connection of eye contact. Remember when you had your baby and all you wanted to do was gaze and look into each other’s eyes? That human desire doesn’t go away just because the children get older. They still need to look into our eyes to feel safe, connected, and understood.
Similarly, physical touch has also slipped away in families. One reason is because we’re all so distracted with holding phones or giving our attention to computers, phones, TV etc.. that we have misplaced the critical component of human touch in our relationships. Hug your child – a lot! Kiss them – a lot! Connect! They may act like they don’t want you to be affectionate, but deep down, we all want physical connection.
Isolation
While we may be physically present (i.e. in the same room) with our children when either we or they are on the phone, we are not emotionally present. The more isolated your child becomes, the harder it is to deepen your relationship with them. They disconnect from you and instead choose a false connection with anyone who is on the screen. Your role of parent begins to slip away, and you begin to lose influence on their values and morals – you simply haven’t been there for them emotionally. You have been replaced. Does that sound harsh? It is. And it is sad that most parents don’t even see it happening.
As online activity has increased for teens in the last ten years, suicide has increased 57% for that same age group. That statistic alone should shock us into reevaluating the role of tech and our kids.
The Self-Esteem Trap
Children with more online presence report greater sadness, lower self-esteem, and constant anxiety of missing out, being rejected, or not being good enough nor pretty enough.
The people they interact with online (and FYI, you DON’T really know who they are interacting with all the time on social media) don’t love them for who they are nor accept them as they are but may bully them to become something contrary to your values and morals.
The girls have a particularly difficult time. Many women I know are off social media because they can’t handle the constant feelings of inadequacy. Is it realistic to think that immature, insecure teenage girls can handle it?
Technology – The Avoidance Drug of Choice for Kids
I find it fascinating that in the year 2020, MANY parents can’t go anywhere without a TV in their car or a phone in their kids’ hands. Have children’s attention spans changed so much that they can no longer do what their parents did – take an 11-hour drive to go on vacation without a tv or phone to ‘keep them busy’, let alone a quick drive up the street to Walmart?
Well, yes and no. We HAVE changed the brain in children with the flood of tech on them from early ages. We HAVE conditioned in them a low attention span. Has our biology changed so much that ADHD is really increasing at such an alarming rate? Or rather, are we enabling low attention spans by shoving a tv, phone, iPad, or gaming system in front of them rather than interact with them in conversation? I was walking around Hobby Lobby one day, and there was a mom with two children around 4 yrs. and 2 yrs., and they both had a phone they were playing games on to keep them quiet.
Instead of Pacifying with Tech…
How about looking around and exploring all the cool things at Hobby Lobby or just being quiet and patient as mom enjoys a little looking around?
And if your answer is, “Well, you don’t know how strong willed my children are. They’d never be able to be quiet and look around.”
Yes, they can but you have to give them the tools and practice the skills.
Children and Self-Regulation
Teaching your child to self-regulate is a critical skill that is often overlooked in parenting. We give the excuse that our children are “just strong-willed” (most kids are strong willed), or “it doesn’t work with my child”. Children come into the world wanting what they want. It is our job to help them regulate their emotions and actions when they can’t have what they want. If we throw a phone or device into their hands instead of teaching them this critical skill, we’ll handicap them for life.
So, ask yourself if you are using tech as a drug for your kids. If you don’t like the answer you come up with, you can always begin anew today.
Tech and Kids – Destroying Their Soul
While I agree that technology has many benefits for adults and older children, we have to question the overuse for children. There are many things that adults can engage in appropriately that children are simply too young, too immature, and to inexperienced to handle properly. Let’s not be naive that technology doesn’t affect children the same way it affects adults. If you’ve seen the movie, “The Social Dilemma” (and I strongly recommend it), you might be surprised that all of the originators of social media platforms do not allow their children to have iPhones or Ipads. It is also well known that Steve Jobs and Bill Gates raised their kids tech-free. What did they know that we haven’t figured out yet?
Tech destroys your child’s soul. That’s a bold statement, I know. But as a mother of seven grown children with children of their own and an educator I have seen it happen too many times. Children lose their creativity and their joy. They cease to be inquisitive and are no longer satisfied with the good, the true, and the beautiful of the world – God’s creation. They are only concerned with when the next hit of dopamine is coming. (In contrast, here’s an article about the incredible bond that reading creates within the family.)
Be Bold and Decisive Without Giving Into Parent Peer Pressure
Be bold and eliminate or drastically reduce the use of tech in your home (including your own!) If your children are older, you and your husband should sit down with the them and explain how things will move forward. Here are some suggestions:
- No phones or devices allowed in bedrooms or private areas for grade school children.
- No computers or iPads allowed in bedrooms.
- Gaming systems reserved for Friday or Saturday night entertainment.
- If your grade school children have a phone, think about taking it away. They don’t need it. They can communicate with their friends when they see their friends. At the very minimum have them turn off the phone at dinner time. Keep it off for the rest of the night.
- Install parental controls that are password protected on their devices. YOU decide what they need and what they don’t need – they don’t decide.
- Have time controls set on their phone so they have limited use.
- Make sure you have a parental monitoring app installed. This is different than the parental control settings within the iPhone. Make sure to be on top of checking these! Eg., Qustodio, Covenant Eyes, Net Nanny just to name a few.
What Kind of Family Do You Want?
What kind of family you want in 10, 20 years? Create goals and an environment that will nurture that vision. Eliminate whatever distracts or challenges your children from the family you want to have. Be bold. Be decisive, and be ok with swimming against the current.
Have a great week!
Janet
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