Notes from this Episode
Parenting “Experts” Have Let Us Down.
I’m not sure when the whole notion of doing everything for your child began, but it has been devastating to the last couple of generations. It used to be that raising self-sufficient children was the goal. Now it seems to be “mean”.
In generations past, children took care of the farm animals, went to work at very young ages, and in many families became the breadwinner when a father was killed in war or died early in life.
Now, we don’t even ask our children to make their own bed!
NO WONDER MOTHERS ARE OVERWHELMED!
How Do You Do it All? You Don’t
As I was raising our seven children (6 under 8), I was always surprised at the ever-present question from strangers, “How do you do it all?”.
The answer was, I didn’t do it all!
I’m not sure if it was a matter of self-preservation, or just my teacher mode kicking in, but from the beginning our goal in raising the children was to teach them to be self-sufficient.
We aren’t raising children, we’re raising adults.
Where Self-Esteem Originates
I had studied the origins of self-esteem, and although some children are born with a more confident personality than others, a positive environment and “wins” always contribute to a healthy self-esteem.
So, early on each new task in self-sufficiency came with a win. “Way to go!” “You did it!” “Look how hard you tried!” “Good job!” Even if the child didn’t succeed at getting those pants on in the right direction, the reinforcement of positive encouragement caused him to want to try again. And pretty soon, after I kindly pointed out the tag in the back, and taught them how to lay the pants on the floor so they could pull them up properly, they DID do it! And they beamed!! At 2-3 yrs old!
Instead of doing everything for your children, stop and take the time to teach them. You will enjoy motherhood more with a clear sense of accomplishment, and you will be raising children who will be strong, resilient, and self-confident adults.
That’s what motherhood is all about – what an awesome privilege it is to teach them habits, routines, critical thinking skills, and good manners.
Here are some places where you can teach your children to be self-sufficient:
Dressing Themselves
We DO need to teach them the proper weight and style of clothes for the moment. We can’t let them go to church in their pajamas because that’s what they want to wear. Nor can we allow them to wear clothes reserved for special occasions anytime they want. We have an obligation to teach them to respect the place/time/weather/cost of the clothing.
Young moms now have a difficult time with the fashions which are CLEARLY not designed for a 3 year old to dress herself! Avoid purchasing pants and tops that are too difficult for them to put on themselves. Even small children, who intuitively know they can do something themselves, will feel a sense of failure when they can’t pull up those skin-tight jeans. It isn’t their fault! It is the fault of the designer, but we can’t let that chip away at our child’s self-esteem.
Start teaching your children to dress themselves at 2 yrs old. Help them see what goes together and do not be afraid to tell them “no” when something isn’t appropriate or doesn’t go together. Remember you’re TEACHING them, not indulging their creative spirit. That can be done in many other ways. These are personal lifelong habits we’re establishing.
Shoes – make sure they have shoes and socks they can put on themselves. Velcro is a lifesaver! And trust me, the joy in their face when they put on their own shoes and socks is better than some cute fashion! PLUS, you won’t have to bend over and put all those shoes on! Save the cute shoes for special occasions.
Meals
Get cheap plastic plates, bowls, and cups storing them at a lower level in your cabinets so the children can reach them. You can then serve out the food, but as your child grows (4-5), they can begin to pour their cereal themselves. (Don’t expect them to know how to do things, you’ll have to teach them how to pour using child sized containers.) Or have easy to access fruit and other foods they can manage themselves.
Teach them (around 3 yrs.) to put their dishes in the sink, without spilling any food left on the plate. This is the beginning of teaching them to clean up after themselves. They can get the clean rag and wipe their faces and their hands before going off to play. (I always checked them first!)
You may have heard this story before but when my 4th child attended a Senior retreat, the students got up and thanked their parents for something that meant a lot to them. One 18 yr old got up, and tearfully thanked his mom for making his lunch all these years. Afterwards, my son asked me incredulously, “Moms make their kids’ lunches?” He had been making his since he was 5.
Routines
Even at 2 yrs old, children can begin to learn the routines that you set up for their health and well-being.
Morning Routine
make their bed as soon as they get out. It won’t be perfect but show them how to straighten the covers and put the pillow where it belongs. Keep it simple – no bedspreads to worry about.
Have them brush their own teeth – again, it won’t be like WE would brush our teeth, but that’s ok. We’re teaching them the routines/habits.
Show them how to dress themselves. Make sure their clothes are at a level they can reach and teach them about what is appropriate and what is not. (I would take out summer clothes from their drawers during the winter months, and vice versa.) Again, this where your guidance is important – don’t give in to tantrums or feelings. Their feelings about what they want to wear should not be important. Trust me on this. When they become teenagers, you’ll have plenty of self-expression to deal with. (Indulging our children’s feelings at an early age on so many things is a topic for another post!)
Cleaning Up After Themselves
- At 2-3 they can begin to pick up their clothes by themselves and put them in a drawer – probably not folded, but again, you’re teaching the skill so it’s ok. As they get older, help them learn how to fold the clothes.
- Teach them to do their own laundry. When my children were 8 – yes, 8 yrs old., I taught them how to do their own laundry. They each had their own basket in their room, I taught them about separating the whites/darks and how to change the water temperature for each type. Then I assigned them their day of the week to do their laundry. Of course, I helped a bit when they were first learning and as they got older and good ol laziness set in, I had to remind them. But it was their responsibility and they knew I wasn’t going to do it.
- Periodic pick up of toys at lunch time, before dad gets home, and before they go to bed. They’ll need your help until they’re about 4, but once they know where everything goes, you’ll just need to supervise. No bribing! If they don’t clean up with just a little encouragement, I would take the toys away for a day. (“If I have to pick it up, it’s mine.”)
The Importance of Responsibility
When we give our children the responsibilities that are rightfully theirs, we certainly free up our own plate of responsibilities. Again, a mom shouldn’t do it all.
But more importantly, this is where discipline, order, and fortitude are developed
Not to mention a whole host of other virtues and the biggest payoff is self-esteem.
Yes, teaching children to be self-sufficient is how you nurture their self-esteem.
They have small wins while feeling competent.
If you think you’re being a good mom by doing it all for your kids – think again.
Let go of that mistaken mindset and become curious about how much the children can actually do for themselves.
Check out my guide for age-appropriate chores for children HERE
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