Many years ago, I regularly saw an older couple (they must have been in their 80’s) walking down the street daily, hand in hand. I used to look at them and think, “that’s what I want”. I want a strong marriage like that. When I was younger and living through the ups and downs of marriage – sometimes the downs always seemed bigger than the ups – I would see that couple and think they must not have had any troubles during their marriage. That’s why they are here in old age walking hand in hand. They were lucky. They must have had it easy. Certainly, they didn’t experience the miscommunications, the anger, the disappointments, or crumbs on the counter!
Strong Commitment = A Strong Marriage
But now, many years later, here I am walking hand in hand with my beloved. It has not been easy, and now that I’m older and a little wiser, I’m convinced that it isn’t easy for anyone. The difference between those who grow old together, hand-in-hand, and those that don’t is not that one couple is spared any hardships or difficulties. Rather, it is the grace of God and a strong – and I mean STRONG – commitment that WE WILL NOT FAIL. Divorce was never an option.
Michael and I have been on this marriage journey for thirty-five years. Like the down-hill skier, we’ve hit every flag along the way. We’ve experienced infertility, miscarriages, job loss, broken promises, and unmet expectations. We’ve experienced financial issues and near bankruptcy, total lack of communication, and sadness with our own faults and failings. We have had in-law issues, times of jealousy and feelings of insecurity. We survived Michael’s stage III cancer, and serious health issues with some of our children.
Blessed with nine children – two of whom are in heaven – we have had the typical ups and downs of parenting, and learned a lot about communication and consistency with the children. We sent them to school, then pulled them out to homeschool for fourteen years.
EVERYONE has a Marriage That Takes Work
Michael and I have laughed and cried and struggled and failed. We have started over again and again and again.
We prayed and trusted Him, because we were committed. And it is through that journey of joys and heartaches that we have found real love. The love that holds hands at eighty – that doesn’t question motives or intentions anymore. We just know that each of us seeks the good for the other- this is love that is true friendship, and a reflection of God’s love for us.
My parents exemplified that love for me. I watched them go through the normal ups and downs of marriage and life. And then I watched them dance at their 50th anniversary party. I watched the tenderness with which my dad looked at my mom. I watched the way he held her, and I saw the way she let him hold her and the smile he brought to her face. Why do we celebrate 40, 50-year anniversaries? Because that’s a long time to be working it out with someone! But it is in the ‘working it out’, overcoming obstacles, the sacrifice, the “take up your cross and follow Me”, that we truly learn to love.
Choosing to Love
Marriage is a life-long mission. It is a God-given, life-giving mission. When we look at our marriage through that lens, it becomes much different than what the world wants you to believe it is. Marriage isn’t about fulfilling our needs (although our needs are fulfilled when we’re living an authentic friendship with each other). It is about choosing to love. Choosing to see his perspective over mine, making the choice to forgive him even when I don’t want to. Putting our husband first before children, family, friends, and activities. Some days, that’s easy. But other days it is an active choice we must make – choosing to let go of our wants, our will, our desires and seeking out what would make our spouse happy – his thoughts and wishes.
Good Friends Challenge Each Other to Be Their Best
Marriage isn’t the easy, constant, happy glow you wish it could be or that you see in movies. It is about challenging the other person to become the best version of themselves, AND allowing them to challenge us in our weaknesses and faults. It’s about forming a friendship with another that commits to helping your spouse get to heaven. God has called YOU to care for THAT person. He whispers to us, “This spouse is for you. How will you get him to heaven?”
We Become One Through Sacrifice
When we come together as a couple, our oneness is a new life of sorts. We become one. At my dad’s funeral, it was hard to eulogize him without also talking about my mother. They were one. That’s our goal, “…and the two shall become one”. Not just in an intimate way, but in a practical way – daily, forever. A new life of sorts, and new life always demands sacrifice and surrender. THAT’S the secret sauce behind successful, long term, hand-holding marriages. Sacrifice. Sacrifice without counting the cost, without keeping a tally, without reminding the other of our sacrifice. When we surrender our will in love, we become Christ to our spouse. Just as Jesus sacrificed in love for us, so too we love our spouse with the same sacrificial love. To “love AS I have loved you”. That’s a tall order, but that is authentic love.
Holy Perseverance – the Greatest Gift for a Strong Marriage
In Michael’s first love letter to me thirty-five years ago, he quoted the Song of Solomon. “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine” (Song of Songs 6:3). After thirty-five years, I am his, and he is mine. Michael and I are one. We suffer with each other, we mend each other’s hurts and support each other through all the ups and downs of life. We rejoice with each other in our joys, and pray together every night, thanking God for the gift of each other. Even in all the heartaches we have caused each other, we would not be who we are without those heartaches.
The greatest gift we have been given is holy perseverance. The greatest gift we can give our children is the example of holy perseverance in nurturing a strong friendship with our beloved.
We look at our growing family and are overwhelmed with how blessed we are. As our grown children begin families of their own, we find a holy pride in who they are, in their strong faith life, and in the goals they have set for their own families. And we recognize that the years of hard work, in tending and cultivating our marriage, were worth it. We are friends – best friends – hand-holding friends.
Ask Yourself
Are you best friends with your husband? Do you put effort into mutual discovery of each other? Are you in it for the LOOOOONG haul with the eye on the prize – complete oneness and hand-holding at 80?
As I begin this journey with this blog, I hope I can be a source of encouragement, empathy, and challenge to you to be your best self. Hopefully, I can be your coach/mentor in sifting through what the world says you should do and be, and instead help you see what God wants you to do and be – all while encouraging you with practical tips and advice about keeping a home, and nurturing your relationship with your husband and your children.
If you ever have any questions or topics you’d like me to address, please email me at janet@livesofgrace.com!
Have a great day!
Janet
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