What You’ll Hear
Arguing – disagreeing is one of the greatest skills we learn in marriage – or maybe don’t learn which then often results in divorce.
The first year of our marriage we argued what seemed like constantly.
He was a philosophy major in his 3rd year of law school. He knew the “art of the argument”
I was an elementary education major completely in touch with my feelings and I though the art of the argument was about expressing my feelings often and meticulously.
We both had work to do in solving disputes in our relationship.
Arguing v Conflict Resolution
Arguing
to give reasons for or against something
to contend or disagree in words
to prove or try to prove by giving reasons
to persuade
Conflict Resolution
the act or process of resolving
the act of answering – solving
Mindset
I think we don’t attribute the importance to our mindset in our relationships and life in general nearly as much as we should.
If we are upset by something or disagree with someone, often our go to action is to get defensive, angry, or hurt.
When we sink into those negative emotions, we lose perspective.
We become focused on ourselves – what hurts us, what is unfair to us, how we are being treated.
And when we focus solely on ourselves and our opinion, we have no room for our spouse’s opinions and feelings.
And more often than not, our arguments are about our opinions.
People are entitled to different opinions.
We should respect them unless, of course, they hurt or endanger someone else.
As soon as we take away the negative feelings and focus on what we think and begin to seek resolution, the whole tone of the “argument” changes. We seek to resolve rather than win. We seek compromise and understanding.
Ask yourself or ask your husband: What am I not seeing? Where am I wrong?
Try to see the conflict from your husband’s point of view.
First and Most Important Rule is Be Respectful
We can be very good at slicing and dicing our spouse.
How do we lose our minds and forget he is the man we love and the father of our children?
We can disagree but we must never disrespect.
Not in Front of the Children
Parents in conflict ALWAYS causes stress for children.
We should do our best to keep the conflict away from them.
AND NEVER ASK CHILDREN TO TAKE SIDES IN A DISAGREEMENT
Keeps voices low – which will also keep the conflict from escalating out of control and away from the original issue.
No Unloading of Past Resentments
Forgive and forget is not always easy
Forgive and move on
Be Careful You Don’t Transition to Arguing about the Argument
Don’t assume his judgments
Don’t project negative thoughts on your husband –
Don’t make his statements mean more than they mean.
Keep Hold of Your Emotions
Emotions are fuel to the fire – eliminate the fuel
Sometimes it’s better to put off the discussion until one or both of you calm down
Be clear in expressing your thoughts.
Yes, we definitely feel emotions – anger, resentments, bitterness, and disrespect.
But we resolve issues through our thoughts – not our emotions.
Our emotions will resolve themselves once we have clear positive thoughts.
Listen, Listen, Listen
- Listen to what he says
- Listen to what he means – not what you think he means
- Ask for clarifications rather than making negative assumptions
Different Personalities
Some people want to discuss and resolve right away – others need time to process. Communicate clearly with your spouse what type of person you are.
In the end, living in relationship with our spouse is about negotiating, compromising, and seeking reconciliation.
And working out the conflicts in living with someone takes time. At nearly 37 years of marriage, Michael and I rarely argue about anything now. And when we do, it is always because we’re falling into the emotion of a topic rather than clearly articulating our thoughts to each other.
There’s no win/loss tally.
Let’s change our mindset so that “arguing” becomes “conflict resolution”.
Even saying it that way takes the emotion out of it.
If we’re living, human beings with thoughts and emotions we’re always going to have times of conflict with our spouse, our children, and those we love most.
Seek to resolve, rather than win.
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