The expectations we hold about marriage and family life are often the number one reason many marriages fail.
We come to our marriage relationship with certain experiences both in the world and within our family of origin that we often believe to be “true, right” – not recognizing them as merely experiences of ours.
We’ll each have expectations of how, as a couple, we’ll spend our money, our free time and vacation time, how we’ll argue, and how we’ll love. We may have different expectations of how our spouse should support and encourage us, the affection we demonstrate to each other, and how much time we need alone.
Our Family of Origin Experiences
For better or worse, the experiences we had growing up in our family of origin guide our thoughts and create expectations for our own relationships.
Dating tends to point out expectations that our future spouse will hold. But, so often, we’ll be happy with the expectations we agree with (he’s perfect for me!), and we’ll ignore the expectations that we don’t like (Oh, after marriage he’ll change!).
Whether we acknowledge differing expectations of our future spouse during our dating/engagement time or not, we must deal with expectations – ours and his – during the lifetime of our marriage. It’s great when our expectations match, but we get into trouble when they are different and we don’t communicate the differences with each other.
The Key is Communication
When we communicate, we state clearly and without much emotion what we had expected and discuss ways to work things out. When we don’t communicate, we get angry, resentful, and assume that our spouse is just “doing that to make me angry”.
So many couples live with constant anger and resentment simply because they don’t communicate their needs and expectations.
It may also be that the expectations we have are not reasonable. We should be open to our spouse’s ideas and work together to move forward. Sometimes I modify my expectations, and sometimes my husband does.
Areas Where Expectations and Lack of Communication can Cause Issues
Care of the Home – Division of Labor
My dad took care of the outside of the home and general home repairs, while my mom took care of the inside of the home. My husband and I expected the same division of labor. But when I had 6 children in 8 years and the winter months didn’t provide work outside, my expectation changed (much to the dismay of my husband!). I expected he would just ‘know’ that since he didn’t have yard work to do, he should help with the cleaning of the house. When he didn’t jump on that expectation on his own (translate: read my mind) I had to put my resentments aside and just ask for his help. Why is it so hard to just ask nicely? Why did I have to get angry about why he didn’t read my mind? I asked and he helped.
Communication
If we saw parents work through problems by talking it out, calmly and respectfully, we will tend to do the same. On the flip side, if our parents were unkind to each other – whether through lack of affirmations, being critical of the other, or the silent treatment, we (whether we like it or not) will tend to treat our spouse that way. Our expectation is that’s how arguments go.
And if our spouse’s parents had a different kind of relationship – one that was nurturing, affirming, and supportive, (disagreements were resolved with respect) our spouse will be very hurt and angry if we approach him with disrespectful anger, constant criticism, the silent treatment, or lack of encouragement. His expectation is that even though you disagree, no one will get mean or be disrespectful.
How We Raise Our Children
This is a subject that will require constant dialogue between spouses. At every stage of a child’s life, a parent will have different expectations for their child. It’s important that you and your spouse agree about the long-term goals for your children. If you don’t have the long term in mind (the kind of adult you hope your child becomes) the day to day expectations of your children will not have the importance that they should have.
Many people had mothers who did everything for them. I was shocked when I arrived at college and many girls in my dorm had never done a load of wash in their life! I learned to do my wash when I was 12. My children learned at 10. My husband and I generally agreed – our expectations were aligned – that we would raise our children to be independent as early as possible. We felt that teaching them independence would free up “mom” from doing it all AND would contribute to their self-esteem by gaining self-confidence in taking care of themselves.
Communicating Expectations Frees Us From
Resentments and Conflict
When confronted with differing expectations with your spouse, look at the situation from your spouse’s perspective. What is he seeing that you are not? What has he learned that you have not learned yet?
- Am I angry because I have unmet expectations?
- Are my expectations reasonable and truly important?
- Have I communicated my expectations to my spouse?
- Have I asked my spouse what his expectations are, and have I considered that they are valid and worthy of consideration?
Don’t expect him to read your mind. If we respect each other’s point of view and try to see life from THEIR perspective, we lose the anger and can discuss how we would like to proceed. Instead of seeing our partner’s differing views as a source of conflict, we see them as a source of knowledge.
Marriage is definitely a give and take. When we consider that we’ve come into the relationship with a set of expectations, we can communicate them to each other, work together towards solutions, and fulfill each other’s needs. But the key is to dial back the emotions and communicate!
Have a great day!
Janet
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