Here’s What Your Husband Really Needs, But May Not Tell You

This past year we have gone to some beautiful weddings.  When you’ve been married 35 years, you experience weddings a little differently than when you were younger!  As a bride, my thoughts were all about creating my home – the decorating, the cooking, the children and all the fun we’d have.  But as I sat in the pew praying for this new couple, I wanted to say to the bride, “Don’t be so concerned with all the things of the home and doing ‘stuff’.  Here’s what your husband really needs – and it’s not a pretty collection of photos on the wall.”

He Needs You to Respect Him

We all need to feel loved, however in a recent survey, 3 out of 4 men indicated that being disrespected felt like they were not loved.  It was more important for them to be respected than to be told they’re loved.  Women, of course, also need to be respected, but how many women will stay with a man who disrespects her, but she feels still “loves” her?  Men, on the other hand, cannot separate the two.  Disrespect = unloved.  And when they are disrespected, they shut down and put up barriers.  Here are some ways to make sure we respect our husbands and communicate that respect to him.

• Be respectful in what you say and how you say it
  • We can’t unsay something, so choose your words carefully, and lovingly.  If you find you say things out of anger that are disrespectful, have a cooling off time apart from each other, then come back to resolve the issue.  Words of disrespect are not easily forgotten by our husband.
• Respect his judgment
  • He may have a different opinion or come to a different conclusion than you.  Respect his thoughts and opinion and defer to him when appropriate.
• Respect his abilities
  • Let him figure things out for himself.  He may make a mistake but let him learn from his attempts and encourage him.
• Respect him in public
  • NEVER put him down in public or articulate his faults to others.  ESPECIALLY, do not get involved with husband bashing with girlfriends.  It is unfair, unloving, and serves no useful purpose except to gain sympathy for yourself.  If you have a problem with him, give him the respect of speaking only to him about it.  There are times when, with charity, you can speak to someone to help resolve and issue, but do not betray his confidence.

He Needs You to Appreciate Him

• Men need to be needed 
  • Truth be told, we all need to be needed.  But women often have that need fulfilled by our children or our aging parents.  Our husbands have the same need although they may not articulate it.  Depend on him.  Show him and tell him you need him, and especially help the children show they need him.  As mothers we tend to get protective of our children.  Let your children need their father.  He will rise to the occasion!
• Acknowledge and communicate your appreciation for how hard he works
  • The working world is very stressful to navigate, particularly if he’s in a job with a terrible boss, or maybe the morale is low at work. Thank him for his sacrifices.
• Affirm his fatherhood
  • I can guarantee you 100% that he will parent differently that you do.  That’s ok as long as you both agree on your basic fundamental family principles.  Thank him for changing diapers or taking the kids so you can have a few hours alone.  If your children are older, notice his kind gestures or ways he reaches out to the adult children and compliment him on that.  Encourage him to connect with the older children, then compliment him!  Whether your husband had a great dad, an absent/unkind dad, or somewhere in between, most men feel insecure about the kind of dad THEY are.  Don’t criticize.  Give suggestions.  But most of all catch him being great and acknowledge it!

He Needs You to Believe that He Loves You

Social media presents a curated life of people – not a completely honest picture, and sometimes completely fabricated.  Yet, even when we ‘know’ that, we still find ourselves comparing who we are with others.  We will always fall short.  We project our low self-esteem onto our husband and assume he would prefer someone else.  And then he’s in a no-win situation.  He can never do enough or convince you that he loves you if you don’t believe he does.  That can be demoralizing for him – knowing that there’s no way he can convince you that he loves you.  Give him the benefit of the doubt when he doesn’t do or say what you think he ought to do or say if he loved you.  He does love you.  Encourage him in his love, rather than set up tests or arguments to prove he doesn’t love you.

He Needs You to Desire Him

• Be the girlfriend he used to have
  • Remember that girl who dated him and in so many ways communicated your desire for him?  From the way you looked at him with kind and loving eyes to the way you took his hand or gently touched his arm, you were communicating that you desired him.  Our husbands need us to continue to flirt with them – to let him know he is first in our heart and mind (after God) and that no other man is of any interest to us.

He Needs You to Take Care of Yourself

• Don’t give him a bait and switch!
  • We need to take care of ourselves not only to be attractive to him, but also to have a good healthy self-esteem.  We can’t exercise and pay attention to our hair and make-up and dress nicely before the wedding, only to not be bothered after the wedding.  Exercising, eating well, sleeping the hours we need – all are importat to feel good about ourselves.  When we don’t take care of our self, low self-esteem creeps in and we often project that onto our husband.

He Needs You to Help Him Protect His Eyes

We live in a world where men (and women) are constantly assaulted with sensual, sexualized, and pornographic images.  These images can be difficult triggers for our husband, and it would be naïve to think that he is not affected by them.  Help him shield his eyes and protect his chastity. 

• Avoid having women’s magazines laying around the house that depict barely clothed or sensually posed women.
• Don’t watch and/or turn off shows with graphic sex scenes
• Help him monitor the computer with Covenant Eyes

He Needs You to Pray for Him

As his wife, our greatest responsibility is to help him get to heaven.  Pray for your husband daily that he will grow closer to God each day and embrace the gifts and talents that God has given him to be a good husband, father, and provider.

                If you don’t pray for him, who will?

Long and happy marriages are nurtured in the mundane moments of every day.

Here are some other thoughts about how we treat our husbands.

Some Quick Action Steps

• Notice is efforts and sincerely thank him for them.  (Thank you for playing with the kids even though you were tired.  Thank you for fixing the door jam.)
• Say, “You did a great job at…..”
• Mention in front of others something he did well.
• Show that you desire him sexually and that he pleases you sexually.
• Make it clear to him that he makes you happy.  Express your appreciation for something he did for you with a smile, word, hug, kiss, or ALL OF THOSE things!
• Assume the best intentions of your spouse – very happy couples refuse to believe that their spouse intended to hurt them, and they look for the most generous explanation instead.  It is easy to be negative, but in 35 years of marriage, I have found that the more I give my husband the benefit of the doubt, the more he does the same for me.

As I write this, I see areas where I can definitely improve in loving my husband. Don’t shy away from weakness. Recognize places where you can work to love him better, and count on God’s grace. The more we love, the more we are loved!

With Affection –

Janet

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