What You’ll Hear in This Episode: (These are my notes.)
I asked my husband Michael what he thought wives can do to help their husbands be great fathers. I share at the end his thoughts.
A Little Background
My husband Michael’s father was a WWII veteran.
He was profoundly changed from the horrifying experience.
He watched men killed and be killed and assuming my husband had traits of his father he was a kind and sensitive man for which the horrors of war would have been too much to handle.
When the end of the war was declared, he came back to the states and had a nervous breakdown.
He was never the same and struggled in all areas of life-
Michael longed for a dad to go play ball with or be involved with him in Boy Scouts.
He never had a mentor to teach him about the ways of the world or how to decide what job to take or how to know if you’re really in love.
He struggled with addictions, anger, and a detachment from his children. He died of cancer when Michael was 17.
But his dad loved his mom. And he demanded that all the children respect her. He was clear on what was right and wrong and he passed on to his son a good moral code.
We Decide What Kind of Parent We Want to Be
I tell you this, because so often people feel that their past defines them.
While it’s true that we often parent as we were parented, for some, that’s not a great model to pass down.
But we all – men and women – need to let our past inform us without defining us.
We make the decision of the kind of mom and dad we want to be.
We don’t come into parenthood just ‘knowing’ everything.
You’ll make mistakes – so will your husband.
You will try methods of engagement and discipline that may not be the best for each child.
Parenthood is a journey – its an opportunity to grow in virtue and to deepen the meaning of our love.
Michael, as so many men, didn’t have a great role model for fatherhood but he has grown and evolved into a man that is the best father I could ever imagine for my children.
My Thoughts On How Wives Can Help Their Husbands Be Great Fathers
I wanted to pass along some ways in which you could help your husband be a great father – the first couple of tips are from me, then I asked Michael what he found helpful in becoming a great father.
Encourage him –
notice I didn’t say nag him – he’s not going to be perfect – give him the space to try
Pray for him – that he will be able to see how important he is as a role model for his sons to be good men, and for his daughters in the kind of man he would want her to marry.
Pray that he has the humility to understand that he is learning – to be open to suggestions and personal growth in dealing with the children
Let him be the dad–
When that baby is born, show him, help him, guide him on how to change diapers, hold a crying baby, care for that child.
Many of us want to be the only source of comfort for our children – that robs the children of their strong dad caring for them AND robs their father of the gift of caring and taking care of the needs of their child.
Don’t let them resist – be patient but encouraging.
I was always amazed that when I left home for an extended period of time, people would ask me, “Who’s going to watch the children?”
EXCUSE ME??? Their father, of course –
When I would go on retreats they would have a great time with dad and ‘breaking’ mom’s rules:
–Eat in the family room
–Have whatever they wanted for dinner
–Late bedtimes
Be thoughtful of the stresses he experiences in balancing work and children–
Even if you work outside the home, as well, come from a place of empathy when you’re talking with your husband about the balance of work/home duties.
If you stay at home full time, please don’t hand him the duties as soon as he walks in the door. Give him a chance to relax a bit and adjust his demeanor to “Daddy Demeanor” rather than “Office Demeanor”.
Don’t correct your husband in front of the children–
It emasculates their father, but it also forces the children in a position of taking sides – even if it is subtle.
Our job is to nurture strengthen the bond between our children and their fathers.
Michael’s Tips to Wives 😉
1. Inform your husband about each child’s particular personalities – things he’s not able to learn because of his relatively limited interaction with the children.
Especially the things you as the mom notice that he is not as sensitive to.
- A child’s particular quirks or needs
- Our intuition about each child
- Share with him your sensitivity, your intuition.
2. Listen to and try to incorporate his masculine perspective in working through issues with each of the children.
For each child, find the appropriate balance between Mom’s sensitivity and Dad’s rigor.
3. Be willing to have the “crucial conversations” when your husband needs to be corrected. But Moms should also be willing to receive “crucial conversation” from their husbands.
My Dad
I can’t let this father’s day episode go by without telling you just a bit about my dad.
My dad had kind eyes.
He was a humble man with a quiet faith.
His father was an immigrant from Poland – a kind, hard working man made of stern stuff but not very affectionate with him – and my dad longed for affection. My grandpa became much more affectionate as he got older – and so did my dad.
He was a traveling salesman and was gone much of my early childhood – or so I’ve been told because he was present enough when he was home so that I don’t really remember him being gone so much.
He stared down and conquered anything that got in the way of his love for my mom and for my brothers and me.
It is Love We Remember
He was not perfect, and yet all I can remember is his love.
His generous, self-sacrificing love.
I’m grateful to my dad for teaching us how to respect and love our mom, and I’m grateful to my mom for teaching us how to love and respect my dad.
Celebrate the father of your children and your own father.
Parenting is hard.
The Most Excellent Role Model for Our Husbands
Who knew this better than the father of Jesus? Imagine all the contradictions he experienced in keeping Jesus safe.
Jesus’ human qualities – his noticing of needs, his kindness, his thoughtfulness – is thought to be those of his parents.
Entrust your husband to St. Joseph to imitate the strength and faith that he showed in his mission from God.
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