How to Be Free of Mom Guilt

Thirty-three years ago I experienced mom guilt for the first time. My first baby was 10 months old and crawling towards a small bookshelf I had with some beautiful porcelain statues. I quickly approached her and slapped her hand (just hard enough to get her attention) and said, “NO!” and moved her away.  She turned to look at me, bewildered (this was the first time I had slapped her hand), and started bawling.  I scooped her up, soothed her, held her tight and she stopped crying.  I put her back down on the floor, and she immediately began crawling for the bookshelf again.  Remembering what I had learned about teaching a child “NO”, I quickly did the same thing – slapped her hand, told her no, moved her away, and watched her sob.

Then the light bulb went off in my head and I removed the bookshelf and its contents from our living area where my daughter should have been able to crawl freely.

Guilt’s Grip

I have felt guilt about that episode for 33 years!  Why wasn’t I smart enough to not even have a bookshelf in the family room?  Why was that bookshelf and its contents so important to me that I would slap her hand – TWICE! A hot stove is one thing, but a knick-knack shelf? Why didn’t I think about having the room child-proof before she started crawling around?  Did I mess up my daughter for the rest of her life because I slapped her hand and made her cry?  And even now, as you’re reading this, I wonder if you’re judging me to be a bad mom.

Guilt.  Bad Mom.  Selfish Mom.  Stupid Mom.

My daughter doesn’t remember it.

If there is one unifying emotion among mothers, it is guilt.  Guess, what?  It doesn’t get better as your children grow up. 

Guilt for going back to work.

Guilt for staying home but not feeling thrilled every day that you’re staying at home.

Guilt for not playing with your kids enough – FYI, other moms aren’t playing with their kids that much, and oh by the way, as an educator I can tell you that teaching your children to play alone or with their siblings is one of the best things you can do for your kids!

Guilt for leaving them and taking time away for yourself.

Guilt for not having your life perfectly figured out!

Guilt.  Bad Mom.  Selfish Mom.  Stupid Mom.

Even Old Mom Guilt!

All of my children are adults now and as they make decisions in their adult lives or they experience pain and hardship, I think to myself, “What didn’t I give to them to prevent this disappointment?  What skill did I fail to help them develop?  What else should I have done?  Did I encourage them enough, challenge them enough or too much?  Where did I fail to prepare them?”

But the truth is, they’re adults.  Like me, they’ll make mistakes.  Like me, they have faults they need to work on, and gifts and talents they need to develop and embrace more. 

I cannot hold on to guilt.  I have to let it go.  WE have to let it go.

How to Be Free of Mom Guilt

You are Not Perfect and You’re Going to Make Mistakes.

This Instagram, Pinterest perfect world has made us all crazy.  Of course, it isn’t reality, and although we know that intellectually, we still find it hard to resist.  I know many moms who have made the bold choice to step away from social media.  They realize that it attacks their self-esteem, making them feel inferior and inadequate.  Be bold.  Take that step if you find you struggle with self-esteem.  And seriously, who doesn’t?  Older moms I know who’ve raised their children well, find social media a source of temptation in questioning how they raised their children or lived their last 40 years of life!

Accept That You are Not Always Going to be Happy.

With every decision we make and situation we find ourselves in, there are always pros and cons.  Some days the cons seem to outweigh the pros.  We should look at our life and our motherhood with a long lens.  I have been a mother for 12,419 days.  Not all those days were great days.  Some of them were terrible.  I didn’t always make the best decisions each of those days. 

Isn’t it unreasonable to think that we would and should be happy each and every day of our life?  It simply isn’t rational to think that we won’t make some mistakes or wrong decisions in our lives.

Be at peace where you are. The grass is never greener someplace else.

Realize That Your Children are Going to Be Hurt, Disappointed, and Let Down in Life.

It is the human condition and you can’t prevent it. And sometimes, YOU’RE going to be the reason for it.  It’s ok.  If you come from a place of love with your children, your mistakes will be quickly forgotten.

 In my educational studies, I have learned of the resilience of children.  Even children who come from terrible, abusive homes want to forgive and love their parents. 

Your mistakes will not ruin your children if they come from a place of love.  We should always be working on correcting our weaknesses and faults and make amends when we make serious mistakes. Our children will see that we love them and our apology will teach them how to forgive.

Don’t Engage in the Comparison Game

You will always lose the game.  Not because your children or your life is so deficient, but because we are good at being very hard on ourselves, while often thinking others have it figured out so much better.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve seen very clearly that women who didn’t have my struggles, had different struggles – ones that I would have found hard to manage.

NO ONE is perfectly happy.  NO ONE has it all figured out.

Find the Joy in Your Life

We always have the choice of how we are going to respond to any given situation. I think we often forget that and feel like we’re a hostage to our emotions. ‘If we think it, it must be real.’ Not true. In fact, often our thoughts, particularly about ourselves, are not usually accurate.

When you find yourself feeling that guilt feeling about something, rather than staying in that thought process, try pivoting away from the irrational thoughts that grab you and chain you down.

Decide that when you find your mind starts to go to a mom guilt thought, you will change your focus.  Find the joy and the blessings in your life and in those around you.  What do you love about your kids?  What can you do today to help your children laugh, or spend time bonding with you?  Thank God for the blessing of being at home, or thank God for a job that helps you support your family. (Here’s a great post to remind us again what motherhood is really about!)

Build Resilience

I was always taught that every negative feeling I had about myself or others was not from God.  And if it isn’t from God, it’s not good nor does it bring me or my family happiness. 

Recognize that the devil is active in the world to sow pain and unhappiness and he’ll start with families – particularly mothers because we set the tone for our family.

Every time you have a negative feeling about yourself, turn it to God and ask Him to take the feeling away.  Ask Him to show you the joys and blessings He has given you. 

Guilt and shame are not from God and they can do nothing positive in this world.  The more often you resist the temptation to let your mind live in the guilt or shame, the more resilient you become against worthless, useless lies that do nothing but bring you and your family down.

Resist the negative.

Take Care of Yourself

We hear this message so often, but don’t take it seriously enough – take care of yourself!  If you make the decision and plan to do it, it can be done.

• Get to bed on time and get up on time – 7-8 hours of sleep.

• Eat good food that is good for you – resist caffeine which makes us crazy.

• Spend time (start with 10 minutes and work your way up to 30) every day in prayer. 

Don’t let yourself be a victim of the world and its arbitrary expectations.  Resist the temptation to judge yourself according to other people’s standards. Ask God to help you do your best, love your best, and live His will for you the best you can.  He loves you, your husband, and your children more than you do.  He will give you all that you need to love them, care for them, and find your generous spirit in your motherhood. 

Trust Him that He will show you the way to happiness and peace within yourself and your family.

Let go of the chains of guilt!

Much love –

Janet

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