Dear Empty Nest Mom…

Dear Sweet Empty Nest Mom –

Like you, I find it hard to believe that most of my children are grown and gone.  When did that happen?  I still make the same amount of food (now we have lots of leftovers), their bedrooms still look the same, and some of their junk stuff is still here.  And yet, they aren’t.

When I stop and let myself think about it, there is an overwhelming sadness that my “Mommy time” is gone.

Six children in 8 ½ yrs was hard.  Number 7 making his debut five years later when I was 39 was hard.

Living without them here – without the sound of musical instruments, the roller blading in the basement, the home-run derby out in the backyard with at least one child crying and complaining the game wasn’t fair, and without watching them grow in curiosity, creativity, and faith ….is harder.

My Mommy time is over.

But my motherhood journey is still ongoing and has added some new dimensions:  Mother-in-law and Grandma Jan.  And truth be told, I’m still unsure how to navigate this new life.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far.

Make Peace with Your Mothering Years

If you, like SO many women struggle with what you think you should have done, what you did poorly, or where you could have done better, I’m here to tell you (because I’ve had moms a little further down the road tell me) make peace with the idea that you did your best.  Were you a perfect mom?  No, you weren’t.  No mom is perfect.  Those cute size 4 moms who looked good without makeup with a baseball cap at carpool pickup – they were not perfect.

You did your best and you are probably pretty good at forgetting all the ways you sacrificed for your children and were there for them when they needed you most. Let go of the guilt. (Check out this post to help.)

Their decisions don’t define your motherhood.  I loved the days when I had control.  When I said, “Ok, get your coats on, let’s go.” and they got their coats on and off we went.

Now They Make Their Own Decisions

Now, as adults, they decide where they’re going, with whom they’re going, if they want me to be anywhere near them….and if they want to wear a coat.  Out of my control.

Our children will make mistakes.  They will forget who they are and Whose they are, and some will make serious (maybe even catastrophic) decisions.  But, in God’s wisdom, they have free will.  He has given them the privilege of making their own decisions. Just as we had the freedom at their age to make our choices that didn’t reflect on the goodness of our parents, neither do your children’s choices define your motherhood.

I know I taught my boys how to clean a house or put their dish in the dishwasher.  Their decision to not do it doesn’t reflect badly on me.  It makes me a little miffed because how many times did I say, “PUT YOUR DISH IN THE DISHWASHER!!!”?  And yet, they will decide if they want to live in a clean home or not. ☹ And deal with their wife’s wrath….

Do Not Compare Your Children with Your Friend’s Children

Just don’t.  Whenever we compare our husbands, our kids, ourselves, or our lives, we will always lose.  It’s just the way the brain works.  We are great at seeing our faults and struggles, but not so great at seeing our joys and gifts.

You have no idea what is happening in other people’s lives, so wishing for Suzy’s life for your own daughter is a no-win desire.  For the most part, we are good at creating an “Instagram world”.  While it doesn’t serve others to vomit our issues all over everyone, there tends to be an envy that develops – or maybe just a gut-wrenching longing – for our children to have a life like our friend’s kids which looks so perfect, but isn’t.

Instead, accept and embrace your adult children for who they are.  Although I don’t believe that my mothering ended when they moved out, I also have to remind myself that they don’t need my opinion all the time.  They will choose their own life, and it may look completely different from the one I chose.  Also remember that young adults have a lot to contend with.  You may wish for more progress in maturity but maturing will happen at their pace no matter how much you wish it would happen faster.

Tend To Your Marriage

Many couples neglect their spouse during the raising of children.  The urgent (children) always tends to trump the important (our marriage).  If this has happened in your relationship, and you feel you and your spouse are not as connected as you would like or are living separate lives in the same home, it would be an excellent gift to you, your grown children, and the future grand-babies to reconnect and reignite your relationship with your spouse.

Begin to court again.  Maybe you need to have a discussion with your husband expressing your need and desire to put your relationship first – to create new memories, nurture old and new ones, and just grow side by side just the two of you again.  You will probably find that although your husband may not have verbalized his need, he needs the same thing.  Truth be told, our husbands have always needed us.  They have patiently waited while we tended to our children’s needs.  Now it is his turn.

Cultivate New Friendships

The demand of raising families often left us with little time to spend with friends.  They also had their own families and craziness but now we are all looking around saying, “Let’s get together.” 

Be brave and daring in reaching out to people for fellowship.  Don’t think, “They must already have friends they’ve had for years.  Why would they want to start a new friendship?”  My parents’ closest friends were relationships that they began in their 50’s.

It’s never too late to begin friendships.  We need to laugh.  We need to be with others who are at the same point of the parenting journey to support each other and feel their support.

Prayer – Finally ‘Letting’ God Have Control

I write ‘letting’ God have control, so you know that I know, sweet mom, that He has always been in control but that it has been my lifelong battle to surrender.  Has it been your lifelong battle too?  Living the life of an empty nest mom really drives home the idea that I am not in control – of my children’s lives, nor mine.

When you give up trying to control, worry subsides, the stress dissipates, and peace begins.

God loves our children more than we do.  Is that even possible?  When our hearts ache because our adult children are lonely or experiencing serious disappointments, do we trust that God loves them more than we do?  Do we trust that all that they are going through will, in the end, help them become better people?  I know it’s hard.  I am there with you, sweet friend.  Let’s bring our children to God in our prayer.

Rest and Renew

As an empty nest mom, you have the time now to nurture yourself and what you love.  I am a firm believer that mothering is the greatest honor and opportunity that God can give to anyone.  I also believe that if there is more you want to do with your life, don’t decide you are too old or too late to do something you love.  Take time for yourself and nurture YOU. 

But first, pray.  Find out what God wants from you now.  Never in my adult years did I think I would learn the ridiculous amount of tech to get a blog up and running – never mind that I would even have a blog.

I also didn’t expect the number of women seeking advice and coaching from me.  But God had that all figured out.  While I wasn’t looking God was preparing me – getting an education degree, raising seven children, homeschooling, giving talks on marriage and parenting, and learning and living my faith, God was connecting the dots so I would be ready and available for other women.

You’ve Been Prepared to be an Empty Nest Mom

For what has He prepared you?  You have raised children, balanced budgets, stretched money further than you ever thought, solved problems, dried tears, shouted your encouragement at baseball games, praised the writer, the artist, and the performer. 

You have fed the hungry, gave drink to the thirsty, comforted the afflicted, and stayed up all night with the sick.

You have stayed in a marriage when there were probably times you wanted to leave.

You have been strong, resilient, kind, and loving.  Now, it is time to let the Spirit shine through you.

We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

Romans 12:6-8

Dear empty nest mom, my sister in Christ, how are you now going to share your gifts?

With much love,

Janet

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