After the Wedding, Remain His Bride First

When I first met my husband, he introduced me to one of his law professors who had been married for many years. He referred to his own wife as “my bride”.  They were in their 50’s and had a 30+ year marriage. I thought that was such a lovely way to describe your wife – kind of nostalgic, tenderly, lovely.  I hoped in our marriage Michael would always describe me that way.

As I look back over our 35 years of marriage, I find that, more often than not, I was “the mom”, “the enforcer”, “the money-minder”, “the wife”, sometimes “my husband’s mother” (although I don’t like to claim that one) but not his bride as much as I would have liked.  It seemed that my many different roles in our marriage and family took over who I had been before I realized it.

Money Minder

When we were first married, we had nothing.  Well, we had my parents’ used furniture and some wedding gifts, but I was a teacher at $10,500 a year and Michael was a 3^rd year law student with a part time job.  So, I was “budget minder”.  I took on the role of making sure we had enough for the ground beef and hot dogs that were our staple.  And there’s nothing like being a money hawk that takes away your joie de vivre! I focused so much on money that almost overnight I think I lost that sense of freedom – of trust, of carefree love that we had before we married.

Intimacy Police

As we struggled to get pregnant our first two years, I lost all sense of joyful intimacy as we used NFP to navigate fertile/infertile times.  We had a mission to accomplish (pregnancy) and that was serious business! Time now….not time now….you get the picture.  And when we finally conceived, I was “pregnant”.  Not bride-like, for sure!  Super super sick, worried about miscarrying, focused on the baby, making it to term, and not at all interested in…well…not interested in anything that involved another human being touching me!

Mom – (such a small word for such a big job)

As the children came (oh, boy does God have a sense of humor!) six in eight years, I certainly became “mom”.  The children had most of my attention.  To be fair, they had most of our attention, so we were not focused so much on our marriage relationship, but rather we were focused on creating a loving, faith-filled family – a good thing, to be sure, but where did the bride go?

 What happened to us almost immediately after we
walked down the aisle?

It’s amazing how quickly we change from nurturing a love with excitement, tenderness, empathy, affection, humor, and passion to “married, now let’s move on with life”.  As I grew older, I realized how much a part of me had been dormant – maybe out of necessity, because after all life IS busy and children ARE demanding.  But I wanted to be his bride again.

Do a Reset

I want my husband to see me in our marriage as the innocent, sweet, youthful, flirty girl he fell in love with – whether I’m 22, 35, or 57.  I want to take care of myself as much as I did when I was trying to “snatch” him.  I want to take care of myself FOR myself, so that I have the confidence that is attractive to him.  I want to use the kind words that I did when we were dating.  I want to show him my respect and accept him – faults and all – as I did when we were engaged.  We overlook our boyfriend/fiancé’s faults when we’re dating and engaged.  Why do we focus so much on them after we’re married?  Why do we expect the imperfect to be the perfect? 

If you find this resonates with you, I have good news!  It is never too late to stop, reassess and change course.  Sitting down and really praying about who you were, who you are, who you would like to be is an important exercise that we should all do on a regular basis.  Sort of ‘checking in’ with yourself.  Life gets so busy that we sometimes feel like we’re on a roller coaster and every time we get to the end of one ride, rather than getting off and considering a new ride, we just go again and again – never really taking the time to consider what is best for us and our relationships.

Lead Him with Your Heart

I have also heard from young women that their husbands no longer ‘spoil’ them or treat them as they did when they were dating.  I think men have the same issues that we have – once we are married, we forget the tenderness we had.  Let’s be the first in the relationship to change course.  I am ALWAYS amazed how my actions affect my husband’s actions.  When I show kindness and thoughtfulness, he begins to show more to me – in different ways than I did, but there is clearly a renewed appreciation and spirit of service towards me.  Nagging, complaining, and pointing out his faults never work.  Showing him love and a spirit of gentleness and service always brings changes in him.  And to be fair, the reverse is also true.  When Michael is more thoughtful and kinder, I want to do the same for him.

Ways to Revive the Bride in You!

So, here’s a small list of ways we can be more our husband’s bride and less manager-in-chief of him and the family – because as it happens, we were his bride first and should seek to always be.

• Kiss him in the morning and when you see him after work – like, REALLY kiss him!  No peck on the cheek –give him a tender, I’m happy to see you kiss!

• Shower, do your hair, put makeup on as you did before you married.  I remember that it took me 45 minutes to get ready before a date – carefully choosing the best outfit, doing my hair and makeup.  Then after we got married, it was “too much trouble”.  What a bait-and-switch thing to do!  Give him the woman he married.

• Show him physical affection – take his hand give random hugs.

• Write little notes to him telling him how much you love him and appreciate all that he does for you and the family.

• Ask him what his favorite meal is and make it every few weeks.

• Waste time with him doing what HE wants to do.

• PUT THE PHONE DOWN when you are together.  If you find that he has his phone out a lot when you’re together, have a loving (not a nagging or critical) discussion about the phone distraction and how you both can work to keep that to a minimum. 

So, think of ways in your own life where you can reach back to that woman who was caught up in the falling in love stage.  Think about who you really are without the stresses/responsibilities/hurts that have attached themselves to you.  Then…..ask him!  Ask him what he loved about you when you were dating.  Don’t let your feelings get hurt – be humble and see where he needs you.  Commit to loving your husband with tenderness, action, and thoughtfulness.  I guarantee you will see a change in him, as well. 

I would LOVE for you to comment below and give suggestions to others of ways you can be that bride again!

Have a great day!

Janet